Tuesday 2am a personal note

We were just up visiting Andrew, the nurse on staff said that nothing has changed... which is more good news than bad. They are not expecting any leaps and bounds in recovery right now, but just to sustain and slowly increase in taking over the job of the by-pass machine, to whatever extent he is able to tolerate. I can't say much about the way we are feeling now, it is ultimate heart-break mixed with extreme frustration and I have a personal battle with trying not to become numb. I know that may not sound right. But, I think it is just a defense mechanism aimed at avoiding the pain of seeing my boy like he is. I have never loved in this way before, it is still inexplicable to me, but there are parts of me that want to guard that love, as if it is mine to protect. Becoming numb to the situation (which does not equal "not caring" or "whatever happens happens") but when I say becoming numb to the situation, I mean that I want to try to insulate this love that I have for Andrew, I don't want it to be attacked by the outside force of his very real and present danger. I have made at least 2 major mistakes in this line of thinking. The one is: This love is not mine to protect. It was given to me, just like my son was given to me. So, in trying to protect it, I am saying that it is my love. But if it was given to me, can't the One who gave it also protect it? Just because from my perspective the love seems vulnerable to attack, does that then mean that it is in reality vulnerable to attack? No, all it means is that I am not secure in this love that was given me. It is not mine to protect, but it is mine to demonstrate. If I say that it is mine to protect, I, in essence, say I am the owner, and therefore giver, of this love. That means that I am making myself equal with the One who gave it. That is certainly a mistake. The second mistake is related, and may even sound contradictory to the first; This love, on my end, is supposed to be vulnerable to attack. I am finding that Truth and Love are two of the most viciously attacked and twisted virtues on the planet. And yet they still stand. I ask myself, and you, 'What is stronger: that which is insulated and shielded from any and all attack and trial and scrutiny, and still stands, or that which is subjected to all manner of abuse, distortion, hatred and violence, and stands stronger with each molestation?' This is becoming the answer to all my questions. True Love, which is Truth and Love (they are inseparable at their very foundations) must suffer, it must be assaulted, it must be tried, it must be hurt, it must by nature be vulnerable, for it is the endurance of the attack that magnifies it's reality. So when it stands this test, it is a testimony to it's own reality and existence, and cannot be spoken against, except by a fool. So, Trials and sufferings must come, so that Truth and Love can be exhibited, only, not for it's own sake, but for ours. This is to make men or cowards out of all who dare approach it. You certainly cannot embark on this "journey" and come out the same as when you went in. And at one or more points in our lives we will be confronted with this journey. How will I do? I will either be whatever a real man is, or I will be the model of what a coward is to be. But for now, I have decided to love my son with all my heart, and let it hurt, I will ride this roller-coaster of ups-and-downs, I will suffer whatever may happen. I may laugh and rejoice at my sons recovery and life, or I may grieve and cry at his suffering and death. This is to omportant a situation to mince words: I will feel all the possible emotions and pains that this situation throws at us, and then I will see what kind of Love I have. It is a shame that this situation is what brought me to this conclusion, but I won't do him, my wife, and myself the disservice of becoming numb to the situation as it unfolds. I remember, 7 years ago, saying, "For better or worse, in sickness and in health" I will put this love to the test, or rather, it will put me to the test. God, I love my son, I love my wife, show me what True Love is. Whatever happens, let ther be one more example of True Love for all to see. I am praying fervently for the life of my son, and all of your prayers are needed too, and thank you for them. These may just be the ramblings of someone who is over stressed and overwhelmed and under-rested by the whole situation, but I thought it at least my responsibility to let you know how Bess and I are working through this time in our life. And I certainly don't mean to sound ego-centric by trying to wax philosophical about myself or my wife when the real focus is the life of my son. Keep us in your prayers, if you don't pray, why don't you start, at least for our sake. If you don't believe in it, then what will it hurt you:)? Thanks.... will talk to you all later this morning.